Marriage movement makes waves in New Zealand

Carolyn Moynihan

The marriage movement is making itself felt in Australia and New Zealand with the publication of a report, 21 Reasons Why Marriage Matters, this week. A coalition of marriage and family advocacy groups is backing the report, which is based on local and international research showing the benefits of marriage over alternative arrangements for family life.

“This edition has 146 researched footnotes including NZ-based research and presents strong evidence that marriage is more than a private emotional relationship. It is a social good and we should develop policies, laws, and family and community interventions to help strengthen marriages. The weakening of marriage is one of the most important social issues we are facing in NZ,” says Bob McCoskrie, National Director of Family First NZ.

http://www.mercatornet.com/family_edge/view/marriage_movement_makes_waves_in_new_zealand/

Great sites for being Black and Married!

http://blackandmarriedwithkids.com/

http://www.happilyeverafterthemovie.com/

http://www.dailypress.com/news/opinion/dp-op_malonecolon_0830aug30,0,3101162.story

Why the black community can't talk about marriage
by Malone-Colon

Ask yourself: When is the last time you heard a public leader talk about the crisis in marriage and family and why it is urgent that as a country we give our attention to this crisis and its consequences? The answer is probably never or rarely.
What is being proposed by these leaders to address the dramatic increases in children born out of wedlock (72 percent for African-Americans), divorce, cohabitation, those who never marry and the decline in marital quality?

Ask Dr. J!

Do have a marriage or relationship question you'd like to ask Dr. Jennifer Roback Morse, author of "101 Tips for a Happier Marriage" and "Smart Sex"? Email your question to jgruber@ruthinstitute.org. These questions, which remain completely anonymous, are featured every other week in Dr. J's weekly e-newsletter. If you're not already a subscriber, you can sign up here.

Dating Advice: 7 Powerful Ways to Keep Your Love Alive

http://dating.personals.yahoo.com/singles/relationships/24296/dating-advice-7-powerful-ways-to-keep-your-love-alive/

Newlyweds’ arguments can predict divorce

Carolyn Moynihan

What are the odds of a lasting marriage for newly-weds who argue angrily over money or other issues? Not very good, according to British mathematician James Murray, who has devised a formula that he claims can predict divorce 94 per cent of the time. “Some couples might as well get divorced right away,” he says after conducting a study with 700 newly married couples.

http://www.mercatornet.com/family_edge/newlyweds_arguments_can_predict_divorce/

More People in Love Than Previously Thought

Clara Moskowitz

Romeo and Juliet would approve: A new study found that romantic love can stand the test of time.
Though it is widely held that romance and sex must ultimately yield to friendly companionship over time, new research found that's not the case. Instead about 13 percent of people reported high levels of romance in their long-term relationships, in a new study published in the March issue of the journal Review of General Psychology.

http://news.yahoo.com/s/livescience/20090320/sc_livescience/morepeopleinlovethanpreviouslythought

Ten ways to be happy in marriage

By Jeff Herring

1. Often in marriage, especially in the early years, there is a choice: You can be right or you can be happy - not both. Choose wisely.
As a friend of mine said after his first year of marriage: "I finally figured out that the sun will come up tomorrow if we do it her way."

Continue...

Career choice: spouse first

by Lea Singh

Mr Right is unlikely to just turn up while a girl is getting on with her own life.

An interesting article caught my eye this week with its catchy subtitle: "I should have ditched feminism for love, children and baking". In that article, Zoe Lewis writes about her regret at pursuing a career at the expense of relationships and children. Now nearly 37 and a successful playwright, she has woken up to the reality of an empty pot at the end of the feminist rainbow: "from what I see and feel, loving relationships and children bring more happiness than work ever can".

Florida makes effort to save, build marriages

Charlie Butts - OneNewsNow
A new campaign has been launched in Florida to give marriages a boost.

Florida Family Policy Council spent four years successfully fighting a battle for a constitutional amendment to protect the traditional view of marriage. Now, Council president John Stemberger says they are focusing on strengthening marriage through the three-year-long "Strong Marriages Florida" campaign.

Continue...

'Fireproof' wins Christian movie award

Associated Press
BEVERLY HILLS, Calif. - Chalk up another honor for the moviemakers from Sherwood Baptist Church in Albany, Georgia. Their drama Fireproof has won this year's Epiphany Prize for the Most Inspiring Movie of 2008.

Continue...

Do You Need a Marital Checkup?

Study: An Annual Tuneup Could Improve Your Relationship
When most people hear the word checkup, they might think of semi-annualdental visits or physicals, but it turns out an examination might also helpimprove the health of your marriage.
Psychologist James Cordova is convinced annual marital counseling canimprove relationships, and he said a recent study he led proves it.

"Essentially, what we've discovered over time is that marital health, reallyis a health concern. The qualities of a person's marriage and the extent towhich they are doing well in that marriage have a dramatic effect onphysical health and mental health," said Cordova, an associate professor ofpsychology at Clark University in Worcester, Mass.

The Study

In a two-year National Institutes of Health study, Cordova followed 68couples, who varied in age, for six months. On average the pairs had beentogether for 15 years, with the husbands' ages around 47 and the wives' 44.

Half of the married couples were given marriage checkups, which includedtherapy once a year, and the other pairs received no therapy at all.

Cordova found that the couples who participated in the two-session checkupintervention, which included completing a battery of questions andface-to-face assessment, fared better.

"Marital satisfaction improves for couples who have been through counselingonce a year, while control couples didn't improve at all," Cordova said."People that have been through the marriage checkup are improving in allkinds of ways in comparison to couples who haven't."

Participants David Bayer and his wife Kay said they've seen a difference intheir marriage since they joined the study. The two, who have been marriedfor 23 years, said they decided to participate because they were worriedabout the future.

"We had two really close friends get divorced and it sort of hit us whenthey got divorced: 'What happened to them?' So, we're trying to improve onwhat we saw go wrong," Kay Bayer said.
The Bayers said their biggest weakness was communication, but both havelearned to find more effective ways to talk to each other because of thestudy.

Marriage Concerns

"You don't realize the little things that may affect your marriage," KayBayer said. "[I was] learning to speak more clearly to him so he couldunderstand where I was coming from. I tend not to think before I speak onsome issues."

The Bayers' experience was typical of what other couples who took part inthe checkups found, Cordova said.

"They feel more intimate in their relationship," Cordova said of the coupleswho engaged in therapy. "They feel more accepting of each other, more ableto accept one another's warts and all. They're more active in takingdeliberate care of their marriage."

Common Complaints

Cordova said the most common complaint he hears from couples involves notbeing able to fit their marriages into a hectic lifestyle.

"[The] things we help them with [are] to notice that it's an issue, tonotice they're suffering from it and figure out ways to make time," he said.

Cordova said he hopes more couples will focus on what's right in theirmarriages and build on those strengths.

Click here for more information about Cordova's study:http://tinyurl.com/5o89bu

The Pro-Marriage Alliance: Hip-Hop meets White and Nerdy

The book, Take Back Your Family: A Challenge To America's Parents, by the stars of MTV's Run's House is an excellent tribute to marriage and family and a highly worthwhile read.

This article was published August 10th, 2008 in the New York Post by Dr. Jennifer Roback Morse.

If I do say so myself, I am the perfect person to review Take Back Your Family: A Challenge to America's Parents, by Rev. Run and Justine Simmons. I am a complete media naif. I don’t own a TV. I have never seen MTV’s Run’s House. I’ve never seen Justine’s Brown Sugar jewelry line, or the Pastry shoe line founded by daughters Angela and Vanessa. I’ve never seen either Angela’s magazine Run Down, or Vanessa’s performance on The Guiding Light. The family’s larger-than-life presence in the rap music world, (Rev. Run, his brother Russell, and now his son JoJo are all hip hop recording artists) is lost on me. My personal theme song is "White and Nerdy" by Weird Al Yankovic.

But I am qualified to judge a book on marriage and family. I am the Founder and President of The Ruth Institute, a non-profit educational organization promoting marriage as a fundamental, gender-based institution of society. I have a doctorate in economics. I can judge this book on its own merits, without being unduly influenced by the family’s media presence.

It's a good book. You should read it.

Reverend Run and Justine take a stand for some radically counter-cultural ideas that happen to be correct. Let me mention just three areas where hard data support the Simmons’ common sense down-to-earth approach.

First, while this book is ostensibly about parenting, the Simmons’ opening salvo is that their marriage comes first. As the Rev. puts it, “Everything worthwhile I have is a by-product of my union with my wife.” Rev. and Justine believe parents need to nurture their relationship with each other and not allow their kids to absorb so much time, attention and energy, that the spousal relationship suffers. Nerd Alert: research shows that marriage builds wealth, and that happy marriages build happy kids.

Their second politically incorrect idea is that gender roles are legitimate, necessary and helpful. Rev. Run says, “All the decisions that get made in Run’s House, both large and small, are collaborations.” Yet, they agree, without apology, that everything works best when one person has the final say. “Run has the final say at Run’s House.”

They recognize the counter-cultural nature of their stance and rush to the others’ defense. Rev. recognizes that male leadership of the household isn’t necessarily appealing to men. He pointedly observes that too few MEN, especially African-American men, step up and take this responsibility for their families. Justine points out, “Just because I’m a powerful, independent woman doesn’t mean I want some sucker husband.”

For both of them, mutual respect is the key. Justine puts it this way, “Just like I wouldn’t want my kids to grow up around a woman who’s constantly undercutting her husband, I wouldn’t want them around a father who disrespects his wife by treating her like a maid.” Justine’s sentiments echo the results of survey data gathered by University of Virginia Sociologist and fellow marriage-nerd Brad Wilcox. The happiest wives are those who feel their husbands appreciate their contributions to the household.

Third, and probably most importantly, the Simmons’ unapologetic support of marriage is a stinging rebuke to those avant garde types who claim that matrimony is out-dated, fathers are disposable and marriage is for white people. In my humble opinion, those in the media, the academy and government who lead the charge against life-long married love have a lot to answer for.

Like many African-Americans, the Simmons’ don’t give a hoot about being politically correct. Another Nerd Alert: Survey data shows that some 95% of African-Americans support traditional marriage.

Rev. Run and Justine Simmons are doing a great public service by giving people hope that they can build a happy family. Through projects like Take Back Your Family and Run’s House, they are doing their part to make marriage cool.

On behalf of Marriage Nerds everywhere, I thank them.

8 Ways to Affair-Proof Your Marriage

Check out this worthy article. Some good tips here. Do you agree? Have any of your own to add?

Student Reactions to My Alternative Feminism Talk

Students who have heard me speak on Humane Alternatives to Feminism, or It Takes a Family to Raise a Village, may have heard me use this line:

I claim the right to participate in the labor market as women, not as men in skirts. Up until now, we have insisted that women change their fertility in order to accommodate the labor market. I say we should take women’s fertility as given and change the labor market to accommodate our bodies. I claim the right to get married and stay married, not the right to raise our children alone, and to spend larger and larger portions of our lives alone.

I have had women students applaud at that line. But the audience at Harvard was rather subdued, in comparison with my normal student reactions.
However, I discovered that part of the reason Harvey Mansfield invited me for this particular panel was that his assistant had seen my review of Hirshman's book on the Weekly Standard. Unbeknownst to me, this particular assistant has a doctorate, but is raising two children, and so is working part-time for Mansfield. Also unknown to me, she had invited a bunch of her friends in similar situations. After my talk, and at the dinner later, several different women came up to me and told me how much they appreciated my message and my support for their decision to stay home with kids. These women had doctorates, MA's or were ABD (All But Dissertation) in a variety of disciplines.
I don't think they realized how numerous they actually were. If they had known how many other women were in the audience, maybe I would have gotten some applause! :-)

Benedict XVI on Marriage

When Benedict spoke to the US Bishops, he stressed the importance of marriage.

To some young Catholics, the sacramental bond of marriage seems scarcely distinguishable from a civil bond, or even a purely informal and open-ended arrangement to live with another person. Hence we have an alarming decrease in the number of Catholic marriages in the United States together with an increase in cohabitation, in which the Christ-like mutual self-giving of spouses, sealed by a public promise to live out the demands of an indissoluble lifelong commitment, is simply absent. In such circumstances, children are denied the secure environment that they need in order truly to flourish as human beings, and society is denied the stable building blocks which it requires if the cohesion and moral focus of the community are to be maintained.

This is the beauty of Catholic teaching. People often believe Catholic teaching is nothing but a set of prohibitions. But, here, Benedict stresses what the Church is positively in favor of: Marriage is more than a civil union, more than a contract. Marriage is the lifelong commitment of mutual self-giving. You can't have that in cohabitation or in a union that is understood to be temporary.

Settling for Mr. Good Enough

Comediene Lori Gottlieb makes the case for "Settling" for Mr. Good Enough, rather than holding out for Mr. Right. Gottlieb is a 40 year old single mother, who is candid enough to admit that she really did, and still does, want to be married. Some of her article is sad, other parts are wise.

Now, though, I realize that if I don’t want to be alone for the rest of my life, I’m at the age where I’ll likely need to settle for someone who is settling for me. What I and many women who hold out for true love forget is that we won’t always have the same appeal that we may have had in our 20s and early 30s. Having turned 40, I now have wrinkles, bags under my eyes, and hair in places I didn’t know hair could grow on women. With my nonworking life consumed by thoughts of potty training and playdates, I’ve become a far less interesting person than the one who went on hiking adventures and performed at comedy clubs. But when I chose to have a baby on my own, the plan was that I would continue to search for true connection afterward; it certainly wasn’t that I would have a baby alone only to settle later. After all, wouldn’t it have been wiser to settle for a higher caliber of “not Mr. Right” while my marital value was at its peak?

Those of us who choose not to settle in hopes of finding a soul mate later are almost like teenagers who believe they’re invulnerable to dying in a drunk-driving accident. We lose sight of our mortality. We forget that we, too, will age and become less alluring. And even if some men do find us engaging, and they’re ready to have a family, they’ll likely decide to marry someone younger with whom they can have their own biological children. Which is all the more reason to settle before settling is no longer an option.

For really outstanding commentary on this article, check out my friends at mercatornet.com.
This article has a deeper and more sophisticated view of love.

Love is a single reality with different dimensions that are needed or emerge at different times. One dimension is necessary to attract a person to another, but this becomes less necessary over time and especially as one matures. This is eros, or the "madness" that intoxicates, displaces reason and drives a person powerfully toward another. It is the central theme for movie romances and modern sitcoms.

But for all its thrills, this dimension is not enough. In fact, on its own it becomes an obstacle to the maturing of the relationship. We see this played out all the time. Love is reduced to its caricature, to the amount of gratification that each can take from it. Bartering begins: "I'll do this if you do that." "I will stay with you as long as the sparks last." "If you love me you will let me do what I want." "I won't have children with you until I have had my career and spent my youth." "You can have children but I am not going to let this cramp my style". "I will absorb all you can give to me, your good humour, good looks, money, sensuality but I am not prepared to give you anything back." It destroys the relationship or at worst leaves spouses in a permanent adolescent-style union.

The other dimension is the reaching out of one person to the other. It is a love that is, indeed, ecstasy -- not a momentary sensual intoxication but an exodus out of oneself, seeking liberation through giving oneself to the other. It is a journey toward authentic self discovery and happiness. This is played out in different ways: the sharing of hopes, dreams, values, desires, sorrows and disappointments, successes and failures, laughter and tears, and of our sexuality by pleasure giving and childbearing.

The overly-romanticized view of love is actually a rather self-centered view of love. I devote several chapters of Love and Economics to love. To love is to will and to do the good of the other. Love is a decision.

A Married Man's Reaction to Elliot Spitzer

A reader sent me this letter, regarding the Elliot Spitzer scandal. The reader calls it "Why They Cheat," and signs himself, "Semper Fi."

I like real woman. I don’t confine my interest to super models, athletes and celebrities. Real women are interesting. I love their attention and ideas...and they ARE nice to look at.

Oh, my little brain works fine, but I’m married, extremely married. Adults know the line between teasing and flirting. Friends know better. Not only do you not cross the line, you don’t even come close to touching it.

Even fantasy women, models and celebrities, can’t come close. I have something at home that they can’t touch. I have dreams come true… touch by touch, night after night, year after year.

Lots of men, married and unmarried alike, are playing the game. Everything, and everyone, is about THEM. The trophy girl friend or wife is about THEM. The marriage, if they bother, is about THEM. They hear the “to have and to hold” part of the vows and ignore the “love and cherish” part. An affair is only another part of their ongoing love affair…with themselves. The affair proves that they are special. It is not about being attractive. It’s not even about surrendering to beauty. It is deeper and sicker than that. The forbidden is favored above the available and the more illicit the affair better. Why? Because the illicit proves that they are above the rules. The coworker, the married friend, the young girl… the young boy.

I WISH it were a problem only of playboys, of boys that did not grow up. It isn’t. There are playgirls too. Both are lost in their fantasy world where they are the featured player. IMHO, they are not special. They are broken.

There are exceptions. Some affairs are an honest spouse’s retreat from a broken mate. Divorce is the more honest response. But the serial cheaters are something else.

You can’t fix the gamblers. The best solution is to get as far away as possible. Leave them in their fantasy world.

Me, I’ll stay in mine. In my world, I have the woman I love and my dreams come true-- day by day and night by night.
Semper Fi

It Takes a Family to Raise a Village

This week's newsletter is an excerpt from the lecture I gave last week at the University of California, Los Angeles. What I have provided for you here is the section of my talk titled, "Alternatives to the Marxist- inspired vision of the family." Enjoy!If you aren't receiving my free newsletter, you can sign up here.

I am not opposed to feminism, whatever that is. I am opposed to Marxism. The Marxist categories of class struggle and oppression did not work well in the market. They work even less well in the bedroom.

I think women are hungry for a new way of understanding these great demographic changes and their own role in society. So let me take a stab at it.

I believe income equality between men and women should not be the ultimate goal for personal and public policy. Equal incomes require identical behavior. But men and women behave significantly differently in the labor force, at home and over the course of their lives. The attempt to create income equality has led to massive amounts of government regulation and litigation in the labor market. At the personal level, women have forced their work lives into the mold created for male career paths. Traditional male career trajectories demand the most intense investment early in life, which happens to be the time that women's bodies are most suited for pregnancy.

By now, the participation of women in the market at every time in their adult lives has become entrenched in society. Our higher education system, our labor market, even our housing markets, are built around the premise that high-achieving, highly-educated workers will postpone marriage and child-bearing. But by the time women have accomplished enough in their careers to feel financially prepared for motherhood, their peak fertility is behind them.

For many women in the first generation of high powered careers, fertility difficulties came as a rude awakening. Economist Sylvia Ann Hewlett conducted a survey of high-achieving women, hoping to assess the factors responsible for their success. She noticed that none of these women had children. And she discovered that none of them had chosen to be childless. These women are extremely disappointed.

Women's fertility is impaired with age, in that women are less likely to conceive a child. Men's fertility may be compromised with age as well. There is now suggestive new evidence that a child's probability of genetic defects increases with the father's age. The theory is that the DNA replicates less precisely as men age. This produces minor genetic defects that are not fatal to the infant. But these non-fatal defects are implicated in disorders such as schizophrenia, autism and cancer. Men 40 and older are nearly six times more likely to have offspring with autism than men under age 30.

I propose that we embrace our fertility. Women would be better off if we accepted the reality that our fertility peaks during our twenties. Go to college for a liberal, but not necessarily a vocational, education. Get married. Have kids. Let our husbands support us. Maybe go back to school for an advanced degree. Go to work. Help support the kids' college. And, since women live longer than men, we could be working longer and let our husbands relax a bit.

The vision of women moving in and out of the workplace also involves an alternative vision of marriage and family. Marriage is a life-long institution for mutual cooperation and support, rather than the unenforceable non-contract it has become. I need not say that cooperation between spouses would be far better for children. Nor need I say that this is the exact opposite of the Marxist vision, which replaced marital stability with employment stability.

Gender differences are not necessarily sources of conflict, but rather opportunities for cooperation and complementarity. Our dignity as women does not depend on women being identical with men. Nor does our dignity depend upon our being completely independent of men. Women and men can view one another as collaborators, rather than as competitors. We women can place our education and our talent at the service of our families and the community, rather than at the service of employers and our egos. Rather than squeezing our child-bearing around the periphery of our careers, we can integrate the natural cycles of our bodies into the core of our lives.

This is the bargain women have made, under the influence of Marxism. Up until now, we have defined our goal as being equal participants in a labor market designed for people who don't give birth. Rather than change the labor market to accommodate the woman's body, we have insisted that women change their fertility in order to accommodate the labor market. I say we should take women's fertility as given and change the labor market to accommodate our bodies. We have defined our personal goal as being completely financially independent of men. I say we should find ways to strengthen our collaboration with our husbands.

I claim the right to participate in the labor market as women, not as men in skirts. I claim the right to get married and stay married, not the right to raise our children alone, and to spend larger and larger portions of our lives alone.

The family is essential to a free society. And women are essential to the family. The last generation of Marxist-inspired ideas about women and family have made family life unnecessarily difficult. It is time for a new approach. It is time to let the natural, organic family blossom.

Dear Abby Misses the Boat

I read this column over my Raisin Bran last Monday morning, and I haven't been able to put it out of my mind since then. (It's the second letter on the page.)

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have been married four years. During that time we have had three children. Our youngest was born three months ago with various medical problems including heart defects, enlarged kidneys, hearing problems and Down syndrome.
To top it off, I have recently been diagnosed with cancer. I start radiation and chemo next month. I am stressed to say the least, and being intimate with my husband right now is at the bottom of my list of things I need to do.
My husband is having a problem understanding why I am not interested in sex. He takes it personally when I don't accept his advances. I love him very much, and I'm grateful for everything he does for me and the kids, but right now I have no interest in sex. How can I get through to him without hurting his feelings? And how do I stop the advances so I don't feel so guilty? -- STRESSED IN WISCONSIN

There are many possible ways to interpret this heartbreaking, truly difficult situation. The key question is: how do you interpret the husband's desire for sex? Let's look at how Abby handles it.

DEAR STRESSED: Excuse me? You've had three children in four years, you're caring for a newborn with physical and developmental disabilities and you're beginning treatment for a life-threatening illness. Frankly, I'm surprised you are still standing.

If necessary, drag your spouse to your OB/GYN, your pediatrician and your oncologist. Your husband may be the father of three, but he needs to learn the facts of life -- the first of which is that right now, you are physically and emotionally distracted and unable to perform as he would wish.

Abby interprets the husband as being sex-crazed, immature and selfish. An easy call right out of the feminist playbook. What if there is a different interpretation? There is absolutely nothing in this letter to suggest that he is abusive or inattentive in any way. Let's give the man the benefit of the doubt. Let's assume this is an example of the Gender Divide over the meaning of sex.

Men quite often view sex as a way to show their love and to feel loved. That is why they take it personally when their wives say no. They feel unloved, and they don't know how else to show their love.

Look at what the husband is going through: he has the sole financial responsibility for 5 people, including a seriously disabled child. He may lose his wife to cancer. He may be physically healthy, while his wife is sick. But they are both stressed.

One possible interpretation of the man's desire for sex is that it his way of showing love and feeling love. When I showed this column to my husband, his response was immediate, "He is probably scared to death that he is going to lose his wife. He is trying to cling to her, in fear and desperation."

A more constructive approach than the one Abby offered, in my opinion, would be for the wife to express her appreciation to him. Tell him directly, simply, "I really don't have the energy to be sexual with you." Then ask him: what would make you feel loved right now? It would also be a good thing if one or both of them just said simply: "I'm scared we're going to lose each other. I'm scared that our days of holding and touching each other are numbered." Often, that willingness to be vulnerable has a way of breaking down the barriers and allowing real intimacy to happen.

In these kinds of situations, both members of the couple are driven to their limits, physically, emotionally, probably financially too. She needs him. He needs her. The relationship is in deficit. You might call it a Love Deficit. They each need extra love, at exactly the moment the other person is most needy and unable to give. They need help from outside. They need to enlist friends and neighbors and relatives to help give them some extra time so they can take physical and emotional care of themselves and each other. They need to be finding ways to stay close to each other. Back rubs, foot massages, just holding each other.

If they have any spirituality at all, this would be a good time to pray. The infinite love of God is always there for us, supporting us. This is a time to draw on that love. (I talk about this in one of my books. I forget which one right now.)

I ask my readers to pray for this couple.

The real meaning of love

From an unlikely source: a Spanish priest talks about his book that connects the crisis in marriage with the crisis in religious vocations. The key to understanding this unlikely connection is that he believes the modern world misunderstands love. Here is the "money quote" as they say.

Father Manglano: Starting with Spinoza, philosophy has proposed a subjective love: Love will be a passion that awakens my happiness because of my relationship with a person with whom there is chemistry, as we tend to say.

Love will come as a sensation that I find in myself. Then, what I love when I say that I love is nothing distinct from myself. In that way, things, love lasts only as long as the sensation lasts. The moment the sensation disappears, or I wake up as a different person, that first love will have died, and on and on. Love understood in this way is necessarily ephemeral.

Nevertheless, other philosophies understand love as something objective: It is the free exercise of loving another person, of uniting myself to him or her.

The "you" is not an opportunity to feel like I'm in love, but rather the "you" is the motive for which I come out of myself to base myself on another vital center, which is the person of the beloved.

Love is "in relation to": I come out of myself and go toward the one who gives to me. Then yes, it is possible to accomplish an eternal love, that is, after all, what all of us would like.

I make an argument similar to this in the closing chapters of Love and Economics